Tuesday, March 12, 2019

Fake Math Wizard

Damned mathematicians. Always coming up with new numbers and operations. Don't they know that multiplication is witchcraft? You, a Fake Math Wizard, know the hidden truth behind it all. They're all pretentious numberwankers. Your numbers mean something, because they mean absolutely nothing. They're not even imaginary (curse those foul square roots and negatives), they're downright impossible. And in being impossible, they make the impossible real.

Fake Math Wizard
(a GLOG wizard school)
by Alexsey Kovalenko
You're not that guy. You hate that guy.
You're bad with amounts and numbers. Whenever you'd deplete a resource (torches, rations, magic dice, HP, gold, etc.) you have a Wizard-level-in-6 chance of finding one more of that resource instead that'd you'd forgotten about.

You can't do math properly. Whenever you try to do math at the table (in or out of character) more complex than addition (yes, subtraction is more complicated than addition), save vs. a mishap as if you were casting a spell.

1. Produce a page of absolute gibberish notes on any subject; it looks good if you don't actually try to understand it.
2. Recall an obscure piece of knowledge that is flawed or wildly incorrect in at least one major aspect.
3. Magnify your voice to be heard clearly over a crowd.

1. Axiom of Choices
range n/a, target self, duration sum rounds
When you have a choice between exactly dice+1 options, you can copy yourself, and you and your copy each take one of the actions. After all the actions conclude, you pick one action path. The other actions unhappen, and those versions of yourself disappear.

2. Four-Color Theorem
Range: 100', target creature or object, duration instant
This spell deals sum+dice damage of dice types (save for half damage) based on the target's color(s), maximum dice effects. Needs to be at least 25% that color (clothing and armor counts, held items don't). If multiple could apply, you choose; multiple damage types wound on all applicable tables.
Red: fire
Orange: psychic
Yellow: lightning
Green: acid
Blue: cold
Purple: necrotic
White: bludgeoning
Grey: slashing
Black: piercing
Brown: math

3. Gambler's Fallacy
range 50', target creature, duration sum rounds
If the target has failed on a roll of a specific die type during the duration of this spell, they succeed on their next roll of the same die size. If they've critically failed, they critically succeed.

4. Fermat's Last Theorem
range touch, target creature or object, duration sum minutes
Target the size of a fist/chest/person/horse (1/2/3/4 dice) expands until it is too large to fit in whatever contains it (a chest, armor/clothing, a room, the margins of a page). This deals sum damage to whichever (target or container) is weaker. Target returns to normal size at end of duration. Doesn't work if target isn't contained, and only works for smallest container that contains target (clothes take precedence over room).

5. Prove By Induction
range touch, target n/a, Duration: instant
Because something has happened, you can cause it to happen again. A roll of your choice that the target makes has the exact same number as the last roll they made to do that. It needs 4 minus dice conditions to be the same as the initial roll, and they need to have made the original roll within sum minutes/hours/days/weeks (1/2/3/4 dice).

6. Laplace Transform
range touch, target sum creatures or objects, duration sum minutes
The target loses up to dice dimensions of your choice (they get a save if unwilling). If you remove one of length, width, or height, they become 2D (and among other things, can fit through gaps large enough in other two dimensions, can be rolled up like a sheet of paper, and are invisible when viewed from the side), but can't manipulate objects that have more dimensions than them. If you remove two spatial dimensions, they deal (dice)d6 slashing damage to anything they try to pass through. If you remove three spatial dimensions, they can't be detected in any way. If you remove time, they disappear, and reappear at the end of the duration of the spell as if no time had passed.

7. Gödel's Incompleteness Theorem
range touch, target creature or object, duration sum minutes
You can define a mundane property of the target that the GM hasn't established to you, which becomes true for the duration of the spell. At 3 or more dice, the property can be magical.

8. Complex Conjugate
range 10', target n/a, duration sum minutes
Summon something that you know does not exist. If it's a creature, it has dice HD; if it can think, it can't know anything that you don't, but might act as if it does; if it's an item, it has a dice-in-6 chance of working as intended, and can't be bigger than a fist/chest/person/horse (1/2/3/4 dice).

9. Non-Euclidean Geometries
range sight, target self, duration sum rounds
You are adjacent to all things within your line of sight. However, you are affected as if you were in every location at once, and anything interacts with you as if it was adjacent to you. You do not suffer multiple effects from the same hazard (even though you are standing in all parts of a wall of fire, you only take its damage once). You can choose to not be adjacent to up to dice things (typically, the sun is the first ignored hazard when casting this spell).

10. Mandelbrot Fractal
range 100', target dice*10ft radius in range, duration instant
Deals sum math damage to everything in target area; 6s explode into 2d3s, which each explode into 2d1.5s (figure it out), etc, a maximum of dice times.

Emblem Spells
11. Catastrophe Theory
range the table, target dice, duration dice hours
Roll sum*dice dice currently on the table. Whenever there would be a roll, the roller can pick a rolled die of the appropriate size and use that one's value.

12. Divide By Zero
range yes, target everything, duration sum rounds/minutes/hours/days (1/2/3/4 dice)
The universe BSODs around you and tries to reboot. You have time to do what you want, in a blank space all to yourself with whatever you're holding, before reality snaps back together at the end of the duration.

1. MD only return to your pool on a roll of 1-2 for 24 hours.
2. Take 1d6 damage.
3. Random mutation for 1d6 rounds, then Save. Permanent if you fail.
4. Lose the ability to comprehend quantities. You can't understand numbers besides "one" and "many" for a day.
5. Lose a random ability score for the day.
6. Spell targets you instead, or an enemy if it's supposed to target you.

1. You don't like numbers; numbers don't like you. Every roll you make is treated as the worst possible value for a day.
2. The universe temporarily removes you from it so that it can have a nice break. Disappear from reality for a day; play a hireling or peasant that the universe shoves unceremoniously into your place instead.
3. The laws of mathematics have had enough of your shit. You lose your magical powers, and become a real actual mathematician. Truly a fate worse than death.
This doom can be avoided by permanently removing an ability score from your character sheet. You can no longer do anything that requires that number, and automatically fail rolls that use it.

Math Wounds
0-4: Migraine. You get a splitting headache and have disadvantage on all mental saves.
5-9: Nerd-sniped. Whenever you would take an action, until you rest, save vs. working on the math problem to the exclusion of everything else.
10+: Number crunched. Your brain is crushed into a small ball by sheer weight of numbers and falls out your mouth.

1 comment:

  1. "explode into 2d1.5s (figure it out)" is way funnier than it probably should be


Most Recent Post

With Great Power: a Superhero World

A Quick and Dirty History Lesson The first superheroes emerged into the fraught landscape of Prohibition-era American, post-war Europe, and ...